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var ar = new Array("Did you hear about the baby born in the hi-tech delivery room? It was cordless.", 
"Q. Why is it that the more pregnant I get the more people smile at me? A. Because you're fatter than them.", 
"Q. What are the terrible twos? A. Your breasts when your baby has stopped breastfeeding.", 
"Q. What position should the baby be in during the 9th month of pregnancy? A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.", 
"Q. Is there anything I should avoid whilst recovering from childbirth? A. Yes, pregnancy.", 
"Q. What’s the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts.", 
"Q. Should I have a baby shower? A. Not if you change you baby’s nappy quickly enough.", 
"To prepare for fatherhood go down the chemist, give the pharmasist your wallet and tell him to help himself, then arrange to have your wages paid direct to the supermarket.", 
"Q. What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman? A. Brute force.", 
"Q. Is there a reason why I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A. Not unless the word ‘divorce’ means anything to you.", 
"Q. what’s the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.", 
"Q. What is family planning? A. The ability to space your children far enough apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.", 
"New mums are now being used as guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.", 
"Q. What is amnesia? A. A condition that allows a woman who has gone through childbirth to have sex again.", 
"Q. Should I have a baby shower? A. Not if you change you baby’s nappy quickly enough.", 
"Q. How will I know if my baby has dropped? A. He or she will start crying – be more careful.", 
"Q. What’s the definition of pushing? A. The final effort to get a 9 pound baby through an opening the size of a 10p.", 
"Q. Does pregnancy affect a womans memory? A. I don’t remember.", 
"Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control? A. A misconception.", 
"Q. What should a husband NEVER say to his wife during an Ultrasound. A. Thirsty?", 
"Q. What are maternity clothes? A. What a pregnant woman wears to show people that there is a reason why she is fat.", 
"Q. What is elastaphobia? A. Fear of getting into the Guinness Book of Records for ‘worlds most stretchmarks’.", 
"Q. What are cravings? A. An excuse to gluttonise your way through pregnancy.", 
"Q. Should I have a baby after 35? A. No, 35 children are enough.", 
"Q. What are night terrors? A. Terrible episodes where the new mum dreams that she’s pregnant again.", 
"Q. I’m very shy, when I’m giving birth who will be able to see me? A. Authorized personnel only – doctors, midwives, nurses, florists, cleaners, photographers etc.", 
"Q. Will I love my dog less once the baby is born? A. No, but your husband will probably get on your nerves", 
"Q. Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat? A. Yes, but it would be a funny looking baby.", 
"Q. What is the afterbirth? A. When the hard part begins.", 
"Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches? A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.", 
". How long is the average woman in labour? A. Whatever she says divided by two.", 
"Q. Our baby was born last week, when will my wife start acting normal again? A. When the baby grows up and leaves home.", 
"Q. What is a chastity belt. A. A labour saving device.", 
"The quickest way to get your new baby to wake up is to sit down and get comfortable.", 
"What is colic? A. A reminder for new parents to use contraception.", 
"Q. When is the best time to wean a baby from the breast? A. When you see teeth marks.", 
"Q. What are forceps? A. Giant baby tweezers.", 
"Q. My current bra size is 34B, what size should I buy after the baby is born? A. 34 long.", 
"A man phones up the hospital and says 'help my wife is in labour', 'calm down' says the midwife,'is this her first child?'.'No' he answers 'this is her husband'.", 
"Q. What’s the ‘grasp’ reflex? A. A new fathers reaction when he sees a new mothers breasts.", 
"Q. What’s the difference between a 9 months pregnant woman and a playboy centerfold. A. Nothing if her husband knows what’s good for him.", 
"Q. Since I’ve been pregnant my breasts, bum and ankles have all grown, does anything get smaller? A. Yes, your bladder.", 
"Q. How will I know if I’m being sick because of morning sickness or flu? A. If its flu you’ll get better.", 
"To prepare for dressing your new baby buy a string bag and an octopus, try to get the octopus into the bag without any arms hanging out. Limit yourself to 3 hours for this exercise.", 
"To prepare for maternity, place a beanbag down the front of your dress, leave it there for 9 months, after 9 months remove 10% of the beans.", 
"Q. Can a mother get pregnant while breastfeeding? A. Yes, but its easier if you remove the baby first.", 
"Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. That its time to rethink plans of breastfeeding.", 
"Q. What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning? A. That it feels like not only a crown, but an entire thrown is trying to make its way out of you.", 
"Q. My wife is 6 months pregnant and is moody and irrational. A. So what’s your question?", 
"Q. I’m 3 months pregnant, when will my baby move? A. Hopefully when he finishes college.");

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